The Narcissist as Puppet Master
How to survive gaslighting without losing your mind
Evil comes in many forms, but one of the most insidious techniques a narcissist uses is called gaslighting. This term comes from the 1944 movie by the same name where a husband manipulates his wife’s mind. He does this by turning a gaslight lamp on and off, over and over all the while denying he’s touched it until she thinks she’s going crazy.
Gaslighting is like having someone photoshop all your memories until you can’t trust what you’ve actually experienced. It’s definitely a mind-warp that leaves the victim questioning what their eyes have seen and their ears have heard.
At first, a victim might try to reason with the gaslighter, but after a while, they wear down and start to wonder if they’ve been imagining stuff all along.
“Either you’re lying, or you’re crazy!”
Such words sting — especially when they know they weren’t lying, so the only alternative offered by the narcissist is that they must be crazy. This subtle suggestion begins to haunt them day and night.
Playing with someone’s mind can seem like a practical joke. We’ve all known pranksters who provide a little comic relief at work by moving an item from one room to another to get someone to freak out. When the joke is discovered, most people laugh and go on with their day. But what if a prank was played and someone you trust denies it happened? What if things keep disappearing and reappearing in odd places over and over, day after day?
The gaslighter likes to play with simple facts and twist them into a pretzel to tie their victim’s brain in knots. Most people might begin to question their sanity if items keep moving around with no one else to validate their experience. This is what it’s like to be gaslighted — only worse because this illustration only reveals the tip of the gaslighting iceberg.
Gaslighting is fueled by two sociopathic traits — sadism and a lack of empathy. The gaslighter imagines themself as a trickster — a puppet master who can manipulate their victims’ minds. It’s all a zero-sum game for the gaslighter to see how far they can go in convincing their “puppet” that things are not as they seem.
There are two factors that contribute to this dangerous situation — the subtlety of gaslighting techniques and the naivety of the victims. Most people don’t expect to be gaslighted and many have never heard of the term. Gaslighting catches people off guard because it plays off of their vulnerability. Nice people expect other people to be just as kind and loving as they are. No one imagines they are in a loving relationship when they’re are being bullied openly, but gaslighting can be so subtle that many victims don’t recognize it as abuse until they’re on the verge of losing their minds. What’s so chilling and disturbing about gaslighting is that the puppet master often engages their puppet in a game without them even realizing it.
There are two reasons a narcissist might try to gaslight someone. The first is defensive to protect the narc’s reputation because someone is catching onto their lies. The second is offensive and usually done for an even more sinister reason — because the sociopathic puppet master finds it entertaining to watch people struggle.
Defensive Gaslighting
Defensive gaslighting usually happens when a victim confronts the narcissist about their dishonest behavior. As a distraction, the narcissist will play the puppet master and kick things into high gear, by arguing and discrediting whatever the victim believes. The ultimate goal is to make the victim question everything — including their sanity.
Gaslighting Comments Are Typical
People who have been gaslighted often describe the same phrases and techniques. It’s like narcissistic abusers all read from the same playbook.
Here are some gaslighting phrases—
“You must be imagining things, I never heard that.
“Maybe you’re thinking of someone else.”
“You’re too sensitive.”
“I never said that — you’re lying.”
“You’re overreacting.”
“Why can’t you just forgive and forget?”
“Why do you always have to bring this up?”
“You sound like a broken record.”
“I was just joking.”
“I think you’re mentally ill.”
“What would you do without me?”
“You’re the problem here.”
“You’re crazy and everyone else knows it.”
After a victim spends hours arguing with the narcissist and listening to phrases like this, they begin to wear down and start to question their memory and senses. Some wonder if they imagined the issue they were trying to confront. It’s all a distraction by the narcissist to derail them from the real issues. Some narcs will even go so far as to get an ally to give them an alibi and this only increases the victim’s fears that they might be overreacting.
After the disagreement, the narcissist might start love-bombing the victim by giving gifts and acting charming again. This encourages the victim to wonder and maybe even hope they’re the crazy one because it hurts too much to believe their parent or partner would lie to them in such a blatant manner.
If they are a couple, they might go out to eat, have sex, or party together and in some way enjoy themselves, forgetting all about the argument — until the next time something happens and the gaslighting starts all over again.
Offensive Gaslighting
The second reason a narcissist might gaslight a victim is offensive — this means to offend others for their own entertainment. Sociopathic people are sadistic. It’s like a drug for them to plot and execute the demise of another person’s confidence in reality. They lack a conscience and get their highs from watching other people struggle. They don’t care if they hurt other people with their games because they had “fun.”
Gaslighting Can Have Traumatic Results
Whether gaslighting happens as an offensive tactic or as a defensive maneuver to hide their behavior, gaslighting can damage both the relationship and the victim’s ability to trust their own mind. As time goes by, the gaslighter becomes more skilled at pushing the victim’s buttons, gaining more and more control over their mind — until the victim really does become a puppet of the narcissist.
One of the cruelest attributes of gaslighting is its subtlety. Any adult can get confused by gaslighting — no one is immune, but its impact on children who are gaslighted by their narcissistic parents is extremely damaging. Because a child is still forming their perceptions of reality, gaslighting becomes part of their development. When gaslighting isn’t recognized for what it is by the victim, it can damage their trust for future relationships and in some cases shatter their faith in themselves for life. It might take a lifetime of therapy for them to learn to trust their senses and mind.
Symptoms of Gaslighting Include —
Questioning their own memory
Wondering if they’re crazy
Walking on eggshells
Waiting for something bad to happen
Overapologizing
Overexplaining
Lack of confidence
Questioning their ability to remember details
Anxiety
Triggers
Physical symptoms like headaches and stomach pain
Lack of self-confidence
Distrust of other people
Fear that the gaslighter might be right
Worrying someone will die if they tell the truth
This list could go on and on with many variations depending upon the lies fed to the victim.
If You Think Someone is Trying to Gaslight You —
Learn to Spot Gaslighting Techniques
Understanding gaslighting techniques can save a person lots of heartaches. Even when they believe they’re in a healthy relationship, knowing what gaslighting is and how these techniques are executed can prevent them from becoming a puppet in the master’s hands.
Study the phrases and patterns typically used by gaslighters. They often show a sense of entitlement, a lack of respect for other people, and of course, there is always lying involved.
Observe Their Behavior and Look for Empathy
Get to know people before you have sex or develop a relationship with them. Don’t allow yourself to build any type of intimacy (into-me-see) with a person until you’ve witnessed their ability to express empathy.
It’s important to pay attention when they speak about their ex-partner. Do they hate them? Want to kill them? Make fun of how stupid they were? These remarks could be red flags. At the same time, hurting people might say mean things about their ex that they don’t mean in the heat of the moment, so it’s important to observe their capacity for empathy in different situations.
Take them to a sad movie or observe their response to those who are down on their luck. Notice if they’re kind to children and animals. What type of books do they read? Each of these can be clues to a person’s capacity for empathy.
Keep a Diary for Documentation
If you suspect someone might be trying to gaslight you, keep a secret diary. It doesn’t have to be in a book, it could be stored in the notes on your smartphone. The main idea is to document the details. If you write it down, you’ll be more confident when you confront this person.
When they argue, deny and prevaricate, you can refer to your notes, but it might be important to keep these notes secret if you suspect you’re dealing with a narcissist. Also don’t allow them access to your phone in case they try to sneak in and adjust your notes to add to their gaslighting attack. Never assume anything when dealing with a narcissist.
Confide In a Trustworthy Friend
If you think you are being gaslighted, don’t carry this burden alone. Find someone you can trust and talk about it. Their perspective can be reassuring and they can become an enlightened witness when it happens again. When your best friend and your diary both agree with your perceptions, you can be sure the problem is not you.
Quit Arguing With the Gaslighter
Nothing good can come from trying to prove yourself to someone who is committed to NOT believing you. It’s a waste of time. The gaslighter wouldn’t be gaslighting you if they were a kind and honest person. You’re dealing with someone who is not your kind of person. Save all your proofs and arguments for a judge.
Protect Your Body and Your Mind
If you suspect you’re in physical danger, please look for a safe place to go. At the same time consider that your mental and emotional health is just as important. The longer you stay with a gaslighting, lying trickster, you could be putting your body and mind in danger. It’s rough if you’re invested with this person, but at what price do you want to stay? Without respect and honesty — there is nothing to build a relationship on.
Gaslighting doesn’t have to make you lose your mind. If you can keep your grip on reality by doing these things, you can turn this around make the narcissist lose their power over you. They won’t like it though, so make sure you plan for a safe escape. When you know the truth, you’ve documented the truth and your best friend knows the truth, you’ll know for sure that you’re not the crazy one in this relationship. And you’ll be able to escape with your mind intact.
Cherilyn Christen Clough broke the rules when she started writing about her family’s secrets. Some claim she sold her soul to the devil, but she prefers to think of it as gaining freedom. You can read about her strange childhood in Chasing Eden A Memoir.
